August 3

Decided to surprise Ellen today by picking up a kitten. Thought about adopting from the animal shelter, but there was an ad in the paper: “Free to a good home”. Free sounds good. I’m off work early today so I’ll check it out on the way home.

August 4

Trip was a huge success! The kittens were irresistible; part Persian, total fluff-balls! There were two sisters left, and I didn’t have the heart to separate them. Anyway, they can keep each other company while we’re at work. I’ll pick them up tomorrow, and surprise Ellen when we get home.

August 5

Nothing can describe the brownie points I earned when Ellen saw those two little fur-balls. I had hidden them in the laundry room and when she walked in, two tiny little faces peeked out from behind the dryer. Love at first sight!

They had even learned what the litter box was there for. These kitties are going to be great companions when I’m working late! Had a ball just watching them orient themselves to the apartment.

They probably won’t use the empty box to sleep in if they can hop up onto the waterbed. I’ll bet they cling to us like crazy.

August 6

Hee Hee! Those little rascals woke us up a couple of times last night when they got into the bedroom. No harm done, just a few items from the dresser hitting the floor. Looks like they may have caught their little nails on my dress pants, but it’s hardly visible, what with the grain of the material.

Both were soundly sleeping on the bed when we left for work. Ellen can’t wait to get back home!

August 7

May have to consider closing the bedroom door while we are out. Pretty rambunctious pair when left with free roam of the home. One of our plants may survive, but it’s going to have to stay outside for some major sun therapy. How the little critters got up on the entertainment center defies the laws of physics...

Only got up twice last night, once when we heard the clawing on the corner of the sofa, and later when we were careless enough to have forgotten to put the garbage bag outside. Still haven’t come up with names yet, but a few are springing to mind.

August 10

Instie & Timmie are now locked up during the day. Two broken vases and a threadbare corner of the sofa have proven we can’t leave them unsupervised .

Instie is short for Instigator, and Timmie for Timid, as she either appears afraid, or truly has a talent for looking innocent when caught red-handed. I’ve never seen two animals with so much energy, apparently triggered by nightfall. Basically content to lie on our laps during the early evening, some demonic possession occurs when we retire for the evening. Maybe these critters were Chinese acrobats in a previous life.

Ellen and I trying Ny-Quil tonight.

August 15

Can’t remember the last time we had a full night’s sleep. Last night, these hyper-active weapons of mass destruction managed to pull a filthy, misshapen carrot out of the garbage can at three a.m.. Stumbling around in poor lighting, without my glasses, it looked like one of them had produced an astounding feat of internal cleansing otherwise restricted to the litterbox. While Timmie cowered in the corner, Instie defiantly stood her ground as I herded them off to the laundry room.

Lock-up is extended from morning to bedtime.

August 19

Woke up last night soaking wet. Apparently our little angels punctured the waterbed. Ellen has been waking up looking like Wolfman Jack lately, with a face-full of white fur. Who knew cats could leave behind so much fine hair?

Speaking of fur, I had my first experience with stepping out of bed into the fresh by-product of hair-ball emissions, second in enjoyment only to the sound of Timmie barking like a seal in heat trying to remove said hair-ball.

September 2

These two have grown like weeds. Both were able to fit on our little glass end table, but now sprawl out almost the length of the couch.

We seem to have gotten things under control, and they apparently cherish the four hours or so that we let them out of solitary confinement.

Looking around, the damage is minimal after all. We’ve tossed a blanket over the sofa to hide the claw marks. Both are truly the picture of innocence as they nap beside us, purring softly.

Timmie is obviously Ellen’s favorite!

September 17

Sweet mother of God!!! We both just about hit the roof last night. Sounded like a herd of raccoons were being fed alive to starving alligators. Both cats went into heat on the same night!!!! There is just no description for that sound of two agonizing felines in the dead of the night. Try to imagine telling Grandma and Aunt Idabel they aren’t allowed to go to Bingo Saturday night and you might come close...

Whose decision was it to keep these demons indoors only?

September 18

I called the vet to inquire about a solution for this heat business. Apparently the theory is “fixing” them. Could have sworn he said spay or neutralize. Also considering de-clawing.

When Ellen left the room temporarily, I inquired about sedatives to add to the food dish.

October 7

Instie has developed asthma, or whatever the hell the equivalent is for cats. Now when she sleeps, instead of purring, she wheezes like Uncle Charlie after a few of his buck-and-a-quarter cigars. Every five or six minutes she quits breathing long enough for us both to get up and check, but then she starts the cycle all over again.

Timmie, I swear, snickers every time.

October 8

Over breakfast I noticed that Ellen has developed a bit of a tic in one eye. Not consistent, but definitely some rapid eyelid fluttering. I casually suggested we try two doses of Ny-Quil tonight.

October 11

Picked up a cat psychology book at the library. Chapter Three discussed retaliation by pets due to lack of attention from the owners. Suggested mood music and a designer cat condo to relieve stress. I’m thinking little white straitjackets and electro-shock therapy might be a better start.

October 13

Ellen’s blinking eye has frozen in an open position. I can’t be sure, but yesterday she appeared to add something other than cream to her coffee. There also now seems to be an alliance forming between the three females. All of them gather together after supper, lounging on the sofa, batting around fluffy toys.

Whenever I get up, they watch curiously. I’m getting a little nervous...

October 22

Error in judgment last night. Timmie decided around 2 a.m. to use my bare leg as a scratching post. She was amazingly resilient bouncing off the bedroom wall, but the scent of fresh blood trickling down my leg must have triggered some dormant instinct of the wild in Instie. Either she was acting protective of her sister, or trying to finish the kill, she attached herself to my good leg and bit in like there was no tomorrow. As I started to howl and tried to pry her loose, old One Eye Open whapped me over the head for tossing Timmie into free flight. Spent the balance of the evening on the spare bed.

October 23

Told the nice young lady at the classified ad desk to keep running “Free To A Good Home” until I advised otherwise.

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-Previously appeared in The Word Is Out Literary magazine.

-part of the winning story submissions, 2nd Lightness Of Being Humor Awards.

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